This is the way you should break my heart.
Firstly, you have to call me over the phone, since we're both too cowardly to see eachother's faces. Call on a weekend, perferably a Friday night so I can cope over the weekend and stay home that night to curl under the covers.
Tell me, "We had great times but-" then pause, and let me say "But what? Are you breaking up with me?" Say this, "No no no, I'm not...well...yes and no. I really like you but-" pause again because you don't know why you're doing this. "But what?" I will persist. "Is there someone else? Is it something I did? What?" Sense that I am growing angry, and imagine my face contorting to hold back tears. Decide I am ugly. Hate me for it. Do not say "It's not you, it's me." because that's cliche and you're original. Do not say it's someone else, because that will send me into a jealous rage, and you wouldn't want that. Do not tell me we're just too different, because I love you and despite my stubbornness, I would change for you. Oh and please, please, do not say we can still be friends, because we both know we will not be friends.
Make something up, better do it quick because I'll hang up in a fit of depression if you don't. Tell me this: "I had lots of fun with you, you're so great. But...I don't think we're right for eachother."
I will come back with a sad, small. "Oh. I see." Feel bad. Grow quite. I will do the same. In a while, I will come back to you, through tears I will say. "Okay. Well, I have to go then. " and you will say, " I really do love you-" and then pause again. "Good bye."
Hang up before I can say good bye. Leave me listening to the dial tone. I'll wait till I hear "If you'd like to make a call..." and then I'll click the phone off. Oh, make sure I'm in my bed too, so I can just roll over, pull the cover over my head and sob. Okay? And if you could do this for me, some how manage to get all your posession from me-descretly before I know you're going to break my heart. Give me my stuff back too, okay?
And then, when you see me later, with a forced smile. Don't say anthing. Don't look at me. Don't even say you're sorry. If we share friends, I'll back away, no need for them to chose, right? Oh, another thing. Don't tell anyone about the great, or, not so great sex we had.
If you break my heart like this, I'll be ready for it. And you won't hurt me so bad, you...don't want to hurt me right? Well, if you do decided to do it this way, I'll be greatful, and not pine over you, and I won't listen to our song on repeat, and I won't leave you messages of how I still love you.
I'll be waiting by the phone on Friday. If you need to, you can just read off of this. Hell, I'm making this easy for you. Okay? Talk to you then.